Thursday, 17 November 2011
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Coal Is America
You know, there’s been a lot of talk in the past few decades about the wonders of nuclear power. Admittedly, less talk after the disaster in Japan killed 7 million people, but talk nonetheless. The French actually get 93% of their power from nuclear sources, and they make some of the best fried snails around. So it’s not surprising that there’s a pretty strong push these days to look for various forms of alternative energy. Nobody wants to be like the French, am I right!Now, we could go with some other options, like solar or wind energy, but there are a few problems with those. First, they’re kind of dirty hippy power sources, and that makes me uncomfortable. We didn’t fight off the Ruskies in three different wars to let the commies win. And second, we can’t be dependent on foreign energy to meet our domestic demands. What happens when the sun decides to team up with the other celestial bodies and charge triple rates for sunlight? Not in my America.
No, there’s only one real solution here: coal. And yes, I know what you’re thinking – coal is dirty. But put it to you this way: what mineral did Superman choose to give to Lois Lane in Superman III? I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t depleted uranium. It was coal. Coal is deeply embedded in the cultural and economic fabric of America.
Did you know that the United States has the greatest coal reserves in the world? We’ve got nearly twice as much as the Russians, three times as much as the Chinese, and a hundred times what the Mongolians have got. The Mongolians! You can’t beat numbers like that. Imagine a world where we don’t have to rely on Saudi oil, Canadian uranium, or Martian sunlight. Can you picture it? I know I can, and it’s a dirty, sooty world of wonders.
Now, we’re already on the right track. Coal already fuels more than 50% of all power stations in America, but I say we don’t stop there. 50% has never been “good enough” for America in the past, and we can’t let it be good enough now. We have another 250 years of coal under this great land of ours. I bet we can run through that in less than a hundred if we put our minds to it!
Basically, the choice is this: either we buy good, solid, made-in-America coal, and power our homes and businesses with patriotism, or we allow yet another industry to be outsourced to the Chinese and the Arabs. I love a good General Tso kebab as much as the next man, but Uncle Sam comes first, and he’s hungry for a hard black nugget of pure, American-grade coal.
Don’t let him starve.
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Comments (36)
Looks like Superman has some coal packin' in his red manties.
@ShimmerBodyCream - I read somewhere they had to digitally reduce the size of superman's package in the new Superman movie. The actor was so well hung producers thought the bulge in his red "manties" would be distracting...
The Great Pear help me, I find your posts utterly hi-LAR-ious.
In WV they blow the tops right off the earth's oldest mountain range to get coal. Way to go!
my grandfather was a coal miner and died from complications of black lung. also, i think there are several coal mine fires in the usa going on that will never be able to be put out. who knows about any other country
The word 'Mongolians' freak me out, probably around people me said that I'm very 'Altantuya' lookalike.
The sooner we abolish the EPA, the better.
Chinese will take over the world. Mark my words.
i'm living here in allentown.
We should hold onto our coal until the world's energy sources run out and then sell it at an astronomical price to the rest of the world.
Low cost fossil fuel would not only enrich the our society but would finance the quantum leap into super energy sources. I suspect that would be nanotechnology but it could be anything. The very fabric of space is loaded with energy. But we won't be able to get at as long as government siphons off our wealth and deliberately cripples our energy market.
Whatever happened to Clean Coal? I loved those commercials, with the kindly, deep voiced spokesman telling me that the days of dirty coal are over.
@we_deny_everything - There is no such thing, you asshole.
or we buy up all of theirs at a premium price, and when it comes time to use up our reserves, charge them billions per oz. but even then, only the corporations will benefit. It's a WIN WIN situation!
@we_deny_everything - Horseshit.
I know next to nothing about energy. Just try not to pay too much (use to much) of it.
wind and solar -- dirty hippie, yes. but even worse: GAY
just like bicycles.
One word. Volcanoes.
Excellent wisdom from the pear!
Coal waste is more nuclear than "nuclear" waste. Plus the huge amount of pollutants it emits.
http://www.metropulse.com/news/2011/nov/16/activists-sue-national-coal-over-campbell-county-p/
There are dangers in mountaintop mining. While your post is witty coal is not a simple solution to our energy needs in the future.
I believe the coal reference is reminding us why civilizations flourished and developed over time.
I don't believe in coal. Coal isn't a fruit.
Coal is America :D hehehe