TheMushyPear on Xanga - Weblog - Archives

Weblog » Archives » September 2011

Pear Tree

There comes a time in every pear's life when they are forced to face unpleasant but unavoidable realities. Unavoidable realities like going away for the weekend and being unable to update one's blog except by one's cellp…
Orgy Porgy

I'm a literary pear. Unlike those stupid apples, I believe in reading, and in bettering one's self. A while back I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxely, and then promptly put it out of my mind in favor of watching Netfl…
Musical Shows are Gay

One of the great exports of America is its culture. This, aside from democracy and the hamburger, is our gift to the world. It’s our legacy as a society. The great American novel, the black and white Hollywood movi…
Carrying Guns is Anti-American

As you know, I’m about as American as apple pie. There’s no greater country in the world than our fair and mighty land. It’s the original home of democracy, the founding place of free thought, and the b…
Soulless Robots Are Taking Over America

I’m an open and honest pearson. I pride myself on having a blog where I speak my mind and share unabashedly, and I think that’s what most of you like about me. I speak it like it is. I’m not afraid to b…
I'll Sneeze in Your Face if I Want To

Most people who know me will agree that I’m normally a pretty considerate person. I never finish all the milk; I always try to put the toilet seat down; I only use other people’s toothbrushes in emergencies.…
Hellfire Seizes America

I love Disney. I know, some people think Walt Disney was a racist homophobic xenophobe with a small mind and a smaller penis. And maybe he was, I never saw him naked. It doesn’t really matter, though. The only thin…
How 9/11 Helped Save America

Today is a big anniversary. Ten years ago today the World Trade Center was destroyed in the largest terrorist attack in the last 50 years. 2,669 American citizens were brutally murdered. First, before I go any further, I…
Pears Support Boobs!

I love boobs. As soon as I saw my girlfriend topless I fell in love with her pendulous, pear shaped, sweater puppies. It was a match made in heaven and I've been giving her my hard stem ever since. Boobs are important, a…
Urination Conversation

If there's one thing everybody in a five mile radius of me knows, it's that my girlfriend pisses like a racehorse. This probably just means she's got a big urethra or something, I don't know. I try not to poke around do…
I don’t Believe in the Clitoris

I’ve never claimed to be a great lover. You can ask my girlfriend that, I’m sure she’ll attest. I rarely buy her flowers, I don’t like chocolates, and I think diamonds are too shiny for her own go…
Swimming in Pee Water

You know, I’m not a big sports fan. Well, that’s not true, I love organized sports, as all God-fearing Americans do. I’m not a fan of participating in sports, is what I mean. Actually, if I were to be r…
All Your Questions About the Mushy Pear Answered

There's some joking that goes on at xanga, I know that. I try to keep my blog as serious as possible, but it's impossible to avoid the odd bit of good humor, no matter how hard you try. It can be frustrating, though, whe…
Bruno Mars Ranked Greatest American Ever

I don’t actually know if that’s true, but if it isn’t, it should be. Did you know that in 7 polls of girls aged 16-20 conducted by the White House, Bruno Mars ranked third behind only #Justin Bieber and…
Happy Pearday

And on the 7th day he rested. Happy Pearday, everyone!
How You Can Help Save the Heartland of America

The Heartland of America. It’s a phrase we’re all familiar with, and with good reason. This is where the corn comes from. It’s where all the best politicians come from (and some of the minoritiest presi…
New Information Reveals Tomatoes to be Surprisingly Unhealthy

I hate tomatoes. Lots of people know this. And no, despite what my mother says, it isn’t because some mean kids hit me in the head with a bunch of rotten tomatoes when I was younger. I have some very valid reasons.…
The Vagina Isn’t the Only Self Cleaning Organ

You know, the girlfriend and I don’t talk very often. We can’t, because she’s always in the kitchen, cooking, and yelling strains my voice. But when we do, the subject of hygiene is probably one of our…
Every True American Needs a Pool

Tomorrow the girlfriend and I are going to visit her family. The main attraction there, according to pretty much everybody involved, is a big pool, possessed by the Big Poobah. The opinion of everybody except me, anyway.…