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The Exploding Pimple of God

Many of you don’t realize this, but I’m a deeply scientific person. In fact, I make it a point to never let a good fact escape my notice. Like the fact that American is the Last Bastion of Free Will in the Kn…
Breast Maggots Attack Dozens of Americans

Today I'd like to talk about a very serious topic with all of you. The chances are very high that you, or someone you know, is struggling with Breast Maggots. Breast Maggots, or BM, are painful, unsightly sores that hous…
Coal Is America

You know, there’s been a lot of talk in the past few decades about the wonders of nuclear power. Admittedly, less talk after the disaster in Japan killed 7 million people, but talk nonetheless. The French actually…
Handicapped Parking is Causing American Obesity

America is the auto-nation. I live 20 miles from the nearest store. Not because I couldn’t have bought an apartment closer, but because driving is like the national pastime. And if there’s one thing I want to…
Real Americans Ride Schoolbuses

When I was growing up kids got to school in one of three ways. Either they walked, a parent drove them, or they took the bus. And yet, though all three students got to school the same, not all three students of these tra…
Carrying Guns is Anti-American

As you know, I’m about as American as apple pie. There’s no greater country in the world than our fair and mighty land. It’s the original home of democracy, the founding place of free thought, and the b…
Soulless Robots Are Taking Over America

I’m an open and honest pearson. I pride myself on having a blog where I speak my mind and share unabashedly, and I think that’s what most of you like about me. I speak it like it is. I’m not afraid to b…
How 9/11 Helped Save America

Today is a big anniversary. Ten years ago today the World Trade Center was destroyed in the largest terrorist attack in the last 50 years. 2,669 American citizens were brutally murdered. First, before I go any further, I…
Every True American Needs a Pool

Tomorrow the girlfriend and I are going to visit her family. The main attraction there, according to pretty much everybody involved, is a big pool, possessed by the Big Poobah. The opinion of everybody except me, anyway.…
Bottled Water Can Save America

You know, the crazy naysayers of this Great Nation often like to team up with eco-terrorists in an attempt to decry the common use of bottled water. The problem is, these unpatriotic men and animals completely fail to re…